Husband hasn’t touched me in six months

Dear Pastor,

I am an educator in my mid-30s. I have been married to a senior educator who does much teaching practice at the university level.

We go on trips occasionally. We don't really have a social life outside of work and church. Pastor, my marriage is in trouble. We have been married for 12 years, but we have been together for 14. I was introduced to him at church. All the elders and their wives encouraged us to get married. We met with the pastor, who gave us his blessings after identifying some of the work we would need to put in to make it a success. My husband is five years older than I am.

Pastor, about a year into the marriage and living together, the nightmare began. My husband tries to control everything I do around the house. It is like I married a drill sergeant in the army, and if things don't go as he expects, it results in an argument for days. He says I am defiant and lack respect. Pastor, I can be blunt and sharp-tongued because most of the things he argues about, I believe they are petty; for example, fluffing the bed pillows. These things result in major arguments, leading to him criticising me and making me feel less of a woman, followed by the silent treatment. He deliberately avoids sex with me. It has been six months since we last had sex. I stopped asking him for sex and he has not even tried to initiate sex or intimacy, even though I sleep naked most times.

There is a guy at work who compliments me occasionally. I am considering going out with him, but I am scared of what might happen. I intend to raise the issue with our pastor at church, but I am afraid my husband will be embarrassed and the situation will get worse. I don't want to talk with my parents about it because they adore him, but Pastor, I am suffering in this marriage.

Do you believe my marriage is over? Do you believe he may be cheating? Do you agree that it's possible my husband hates me?

W.F.

Dear W.F.,

I have asked myself whether your husband is in good physical condition, for instance, can he get an erection and maintain it.

If he can, is he punishing you by not having sexual intercourse with you? You say that you can be very sharp with your tongue and you have said things that you regret. I am sure, however, that he has done the same. So that is no reason for a man to not be intimate with his partner for long. I am absolutely sure that your husband knows that he is punishing you by withholding sex. He is not doing what he ought to do.

The Bible says a married couple should not withhold from having sex with each other unless it is done for a short period, such as when they are fasting. After the fasting has ceased, they should resume having sex. But even when a partner wants to fast, he or she should get permission from the spouse. The Bible says they should resume having sex after the period of fasting has stopped, lest Satan tempt the spouse to seek sexual pleasure with another person. That is a very serious warning. Study 1st Corinthians 7:1-6. You say that there is a gentleman who compliments you and you have thought about becoming close to him, but you are afraid because you know what can happen. You are a wise woman; do not cherish the thought of going out with this man.

I believe that there are some very practical things that you ought to be doing with your husband. You have to make him aware that he is punishing you and that he has a duty to perform by having sex with you. His preparation for his schoolwork should not take up so much of his time while you suffer in silence. You ought to turn the pressure on this man by stripping off his clothes and riding him. Every woman ought to know what to do to get a man in the mood for sex. As long as he has an erection, you can take the initiative to ride him like a horse. It would be wrong for you to lay down with this man every night and not initiate sex. The Bible says when a man is married, his body belongs to his wife, and vice versa, so get going. Any time you want to have sex and he is reluctant, take control. Avoid thinking that your husband might be seeing another woman. Unless you have proof, don't allow it to linger in your mind.

Please do not talk to any relative about this problem. Try what I have told you and get back to me. The only person you should speak to is a psychologist. I wish you well.

Pastor